Ponderings – Confidence Suckers & Boosters

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What makes you feel confident? What sucks your self-esteem?

I saw something the other day as I waited in a cafe to meet with a client. I watched the group dynamics of a group of young mums meeting for morning tea and it got me thinking about what I was observing: The power of friendship groups and how they can boost or suck your self-esteem.

As I watched these women played a game with myself, trying to work out who was the alpha female – the leader of the pack. Who was the one on the outer – trying to get closer; which two were ‘besties’ and who appeared to be just tagging along for a cuppa/company. Are they together just because they all happened to have met through their children’s school but really have little in common; or are a group who’ve known eachother since highschool?

It got me to thinking about confidence and friendships. About why sometimes I positively OOOZE it, and on other bad-hair days I feel like a whimpering, whining bundle of low self-esteem

We all have areas of our life where where we feel pretty confident – maybe you’re good at cooking, decorating, singing, writing, parenting, your chosen career, whatever. But equally, there are usually areas of our lives where we feel less than accomplished and these are the very things that can creep up out of nowhere and suck the bejesus out of our self-confidence. Until,  (see, more thinking!) that little voice kicks in and hopefully says “Hey! You can’t be something to everyone all of the time, dammit! You’re actually doing OK, so give yourself a bloody break will you?!”

So to get this discussion started, I thought I’d share with you some random ponderings about myself…please feel free to kick in any time with your own:

This is what I know for sure about myself:

I know I’m really good at helping others look and feel beautiful.

I know I’m really good at sourcing the right gear to suit almost anyone.

I know I’m really good at knowing what it is about a “look” that does/doesn’t work on someone.

I’m also really good at promoting others and their strong-points.

I’m really good at being good/kind to others.

I’m a really hard worker, and really good at sourcing a bargain!

I’m a really good friend.

I consider myself very “inclusive” and try to make sure that I don’t ever intentionally hurt anyone.

But I’m NOT so good at…

Dealing with “exclusive’ cliquey types, alpha-types or the female “pack mentality” (click here for more on the topic of being Exclusive & Inclusive)

Dealing with insensitive people who don’t know the meaning of the word “tact”.

And I’m not so good at accepting  that others are simply much better than me at just moving forward (God, I hate that phrase since a certain Aussie Politician made it her campaign slogan).

I do, however acknowledge the fact that I often take things on board way too much and then in turn, begin to doubt myself.

And that’s what I call The Self-Esteem SUCKER.

This is one area of my life that I need to work on every day – and like any weakness or negative learned behaviour, it’s that voice in my head left over from childhood that says “You just mustn’t be quite good enough  Big Al” with whom I have many frequent arguments with!  How can one person who is so damn good at helping others feel confident feel so NOT confident herself at times?

It got me to pondering again (See? Told you I think too much!) so I thought I’d ask you all some questions to see what your thoughts are on confidence zappers/boosters:

• What (or who) helps you feel confident and good about yourself, and what makes you feel everything BUT?

• Is it usually something physical or something social that continues to be your strongest “SELF-ESTEEM-SUCKER”

• When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see (physically)? Or do you avoid mirrors at all costs?

• How do stop the hurt/feelings of rejection you felt as a teenager at school from rearing their ugly heads and reminding you yet again that you are just not and will never be that  “cool or popular”? For more on dealing with your own tribe, click here to read more about my good friend Bec Sparrow‘s book “Finding Your Tribe (and nine other things I wish I’d known in school)”

• What makes one person such sought after company at each and every social gathering while others find themselves “off the guest-lists”?

• What makes a group of so-called friends who previously included one person in almost every regular social occasion one year, suddenly cut them loose the next year for no apparent reason?

• And how do you “move forward” – even when you know instinctively that those people were probably not “real” to begin with?

• How do you use self-talk to get you through moments of self-doubt? And how you do rise above it to eventually really believe you ARE good enough – thanks very much!

Three Things You LIKE & Three Things You DON’T

I ask all of my clients to tell me three things they like about their body, and then three things they don’t. Invariably they can rattle off plenty of  the Don’t-Likes but when it comes to admitting what they DO-Like,  it’s never quite so easy. Why is that? What is it about us that makes it so natural for us to put our self down or beat our self up? Why is it so hard for us to acknowledge publicly or even give voice to what we really like about our self?…

Any thoughts/tips you’d like to share here will be gratefully accepted – both by me and all my readers/followers. Please consider sharing your comments here as another “Act Of Kindness” that may really help others…

For more information on handling Bullying in whatever form it takes for you or someone you care about  – click here to visit my good friend Tony Johnston’s website “BullyFree TV”.  Below is an excerpt from one of his DVD’s about handling bullies…